Here she blows...the Holiday edition of the Facebook statuses. Stati? I still don't know!
Memoirs and Recollections - VOLUME 3 – Kenny Scheck once…upon the Holidays
Kenny Scheck once got into an argument with Santa Claus. He kept trying to come into my house through the chimney. We argued for 7 hours, when he finally realized it was Easter.
Kenny Scheck once met Rudolph around the Christmas season. He was about 60 years old and hung outside the same bar every night asking for spare change. I was surprised he wasn't a deer. That animation TRICKED ME.
Kenny Scheck once imported a classy fucking Christmas tree from Japan. It was made out of dead puppies.
Kenny Scheck once started a movement which I called "War on Commercialization" when I walked into a Wal-Mart and they said "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". Look I just want to buy lights, trees, and junk for people...I don't give a shit about your Jesus. Happy Commercialized Christmas Everybody!
Kenny Scheck once fell off my roof of my house while putting the Christmas Lights up. For a moment I thought I saw God. Then I realized it was just my inflatable Frosty in the yard. I would've died had I not landed on the inflatable Frosty. So that’s the origin of my Religion.
Kenny Scheck once wrote a Christmas pageant in 1946. It featured Santa Claus and his lust for glory. In the end he learned the true meaning of Christmas. Presents. Lots and lots of presents. The show ran for six months. It was the greatest pageant ever!
Kenny Scheck once got socks for Christmas. Nothing but socks. And lots of them too. In the end I had probably accumulated about 75 pairs of socks. It might be the best Christmas I ever had.
Kenny Scheck once went through a bit of a Kwanzaa phase. That being said, I still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about. Something about candles.
Kenny Scheck once gave my true love six geese a laying one Christmas. Very fucking under-appreciative.
Kenny Scheck once learned the meaning of Mexican Christmas. I was kidnapped in mid-December by a Hungarian Immigrant named Sal, to avoid the authorities, he rushed to Mexico. There he decided I was not worth it and he DITCHED me. So I spent Christmas '94 in Mexico. It was a'ight.
Kenny Scheck once had to spend Christmas Eve in 1954 with Christians. I was forced to say grace. I got a crucifix for a gift. There were no cookies or candy or any mention of Santa. Also they seemed to think they said Rudolph was a slight against God. I guess my point is this: Christians are the worst.
Kenny Scheck once tried to wear Christmas Stockings. You can't really wear Christmas Stockings.
Kenny Scheck once got lice from a mall Santa. Worst Christmas ever.
Kenny Scheck once cancelled Christmas, for I was feeling all...Scroogey. Anyhow it worked and nobody really bothered me about it, which is why you will never hear of the history of Christmas 1919.
Kenny Scheck once got a shabby little tree for this Christmas play I was directing. Everybody told me I was stupid, until they decorated it and it turned out to be not such a bad tree after all. Hang on, thats Charlie Brown...my bad. You have to admit though, of all the Charlie Browns in the world, he was the Charlie Browniest.
Kenny Scheck once got sick on Christmas Day. I threw up all over my Grandma's rug. She was MAD!
Kenny Scheck once helped out at a soup kitchen one holiday season. Yick.
Kenny Scheck once had trouble convincing my boss to let me not work the holidays. In his defense though, I claimed my family celebrated Christmas from October through March.
Kenny Scheck once got someone a 42" Plasma HD TV for Secret Santa. I felt really fucking stupid when I got oven mitts. Fuck Secret Santa.
Kenny Scheck once made Christmas cookies using cyanide. I don't remember why I did it, but needless to say they had to be thrown out.
Kenny Scheck once slept though Christmas. Woops.
Kenny Scheck once discovered that every time a bell rings, Angel gets its Wings. By Angel, I mean this girl I know, and by Wings I mean DVD box-sets of the 1990s sitcom Wings.
Kenny Scheck once had a new years resolution to quit smoking. I did so, and haven't burned a building down since.
Kenny Scheck once celebrated New Years. But only once.
Memoirs and Recollections - VOLUME 3 – Kenny Scheck once…upon the Holidays
Kenny Scheck once got into an argument with Santa Claus. He kept trying to come into my house through the chimney. We argued for 7 hours, when he finally realized it was Easter.
Kenny Scheck once met Rudolph around the Christmas season. He was about 60 years old and hung outside the same bar every night asking for spare change. I was surprised he wasn't a deer. That animation TRICKED ME.
Kenny Scheck once imported a classy fucking Christmas tree from Japan. It was made out of dead puppies.
Kenny Scheck once started a movement which I called "War on Commercialization" when I walked into a Wal-Mart and they said "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". Look I just want to buy lights, trees, and junk for people...I don't give a shit about your Jesus. Happy Commercialized Christmas Everybody!
Kenny Scheck once fell off my roof of my house while putting the Christmas Lights up. For a moment I thought I saw God. Then I realized it was just my inflatable Frosty in the yard. I would've died had I not landed on the inflatable Frosty. So that’s the origin of my Religion.
Kenny Scheck once wrote a Christmas pageant in 1946. It featured Santa Claus and his lust for glory. In the end he learned the true meaning of Christmas. Presents. Lots and lots of presents. The show ran for six months. It was the greatest pageant ever!
Kenny Scheck once got socks for Christmas. Nothing but socks. And lots of them too. In the end I had probably accumulated about 75 pairs of socks. It might be the best Christmas I ever had.
Kenny Scheck once went through a bit of a Kwanzaa phase. That being said, I still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about. Something about candles.
Kenny Scheck once gave my true love six geese a laying one Christmas. Very fucking under-appreciative.
Kenny Scheck once learned the meaning of Mexican Christmas. I was kidnapped in mid-December by a Hungarian Immigrant named Sal, to avoid the authorities, he rushed to Mexico. There he decided I was not worth it and he DITCHED me. So I spent Christmas '94 in Mexico. It was a'ight.
Kenny Scheck once had to spend Christmas Eve in 1954 with Christians. I was forced to say grace. I got a crucifix for a gift. There were no cookies or candy or any mention of Santa. Also they seemed to think they said Rudolph was a slight against God. I guess my point is this: Christians are the worst.
Kenny Scheck once tried to wear Christmas Stockings. You can't really wear Christmas Stockings.
Kenny Scheck once got lice from a mall Santa. Worst Christmas ever.
Kenny Scheck once cancelled Christmas, for I was feeling all...Scroogey. Anyhow it worked and nobody really bothered me about it, which is why you will never hear of the history of Christmas 1919.
Kenny Scheck once got a shabby little tree for this Christmas play I was directing. Everybody told me I was stupid, until they decorated it and it turned out to be not such a bad tree after all. Hang on, thats Charlie Brown...my bad. You have to admit though, of all the Charlie Browns in the world, he was the Charlie Browniest.
Kenny Scheck once got sick on Christmas Day. I threw up all over my Grandma's rug. She was MAD!
Kenny Scheck once helped out at a soup kitchen one holiday season. Yick.
Kenny Scheck once had trouble convincing my boss to let me not work the holidays. In his defense though, I claimed my family celebrated Christmas from October through March.
Kenny Scheck once got someone a 42" Plasma HD TV for Secret Santa. I felt really fucking stupid when I got oven mitts. Fuck Secret Santa.
Kenny Scheck once made Christmas cookies using cyanide. I don't remember why I did it, but needless to say they had to be thrown out.
Kenny Scheck once slept though Christmas. Woops.
Kenny Scheck once discovered that every time a bell rings, Angel gets its Wings. By Angel, I mean this girl I know, and by Wings I mean DVD box-sets of the 1990s sitcom Wings.
Kenny Scheck once had a new years resolution to quit smoking. I did so, and haven't burned a building down since.
Kenny Scheck once celebrated New Years. But only once.
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